A few months ago I came across a new book and if you know me then you know I love a book recommendation.  I normally like to dive in and consume it as quickly as possible, to be fully absorbed in whatever it is. This book however, challenged me to engage differently. Oscar invites us to read just one chapter per week because the power is in reflection and practice.

This, of course, makes perfect sense.  It very much reminded me of some of the key messages from Johan Hari’s Stolen Focus, in which he describes how we are caught in a cycle of consumption which is quite literally ‘stealing our focus’. With this, many of us have lost the art or the habit of reading a book.  The technological advancements and the power of social media means that we’re hooked into shorter, faster, quicker ways of sharing information and ideas.  If I remember correctly, he even says that for some, reading now feels like trying to go up a down escalator.  

Oscar describes listening as a contact sport. It’s one that needs practice and that practice needs to involve another person. You need to engage in deliberate practice of the skills in real life situations; reading a book about listening is not enough to improve your listening skills.  He picks up on some of the work of James Clear (author of another great book - Atomic Habits) who argues that ‘you don’t rise to the level of your goals; you fall to the level of your systems’.  Meaning that you can only improve your listening by engaging in practice and building routines and practices that will support you to improve your listening.

If I reflect on my own listening experiences both as listener and talker the thing I come back to always, is presence. As human beings we all just want to be seen, heard and valued and as Oscar points out, only one of those has anything to do with words. Presence however can support all three.

In conversation, Oscar shared that during the writing of the book his dad suffered a significant stroke which impacted on his ability to communicate verbally. This suddenly, and very personally, brought into focus the question of ‘how do you listen when words can’t be spoken’.  This is where once again, presence is so powerful.  Your presence can be enough as long it lets the person know that you are there, they matter and you’re listening.

As well as practising the skills of listening it is also helpful to prepare for listening. Listening starts with yourself and Oscar shared some helpful ways we can prepare ourselves.

Tuning

Just as an orchestra tunes its instruments, you too can tune your listening instruments. You can engage in deliberate, intentional practices that enable you to do your best listening. An obvious one, but one I know can be difficult to do, is to close down apps and tabs, turn off notifications and devices, and allow yourself to focus and be present.

Listen to Yourself

Only when you are able to listen to yourself are you able to listen to others. Taking a few minutes before a conversation to allow your thoughts to surface themselves, creates space for being present, for listening. 

Breathe

There will always be distractions, both internal (your own thoughts, anticipating, making connections) and external (noise, notifications, the environment). To improve your listening you need to anticipate these distractions and consider how you might respond.  Some ‘simple’ ways of responding include taking a conscious slow full breath, take a drink of water, or notice the colour of the speaker’s eyes.

Welcome Silence

Silence can often feel like the absence of something but it’s also presence of thinking, often deep thinking. Your job as listener is to wait, to be present and allow the space for this thinking. As Nancy Kline (Time to Think) says, let them go for their own ‘thinking walk’, you don’t need to go with them, you just need to be there when they get back.

This is just the tip of the iceberg when it comes to ‘how to listen’. The book takes you through the five levels of listening and is expertly illustrated with examples and practices to help you nurture your listening skills.  

How to Listen, Discover the Hidden Key to Better Communication by Oscar Trimboli (2022)

Oscar joined me recently on Changing Conversations – listen on Spotify.

Sarah also is co-host of the podcast Changing Conversations.